Mgs Remix
by Yesterday's Wolf
Summary: A crazy Parody Remake of Metal Gear Solid. Solid snake is a recovering Drug Addict and All Liqiud Snake wants is a bagel. I write this when I'm tired and Caffiened out.
1. Chapter 1

**Hit It to the Remix!**

** _Snake sits with colonel at the briefing room a cold chill runs down his bare skin._**

**Snake:** Colonel, Why am I here, and in the freaking nude!

**Colonel:** We need you Snake…

**Snake**: Naked?  
**Colonel**: No you will be dressed soon… and accustomed to a haircut.

**Snake**: Dammit I want to be a Skater Boy!

**Colonel**: That's for Substance….

**Snake:** mmm… So wha- OW WHAT THE HELL!

**Naomi:** Sorry It's just to kill- I mean not to kill you…

**Snake:** That sounds Safe…

**Naomi**: Yes it'll go straight to the heart cells and-and…Uh stop you from freezing…

**Snake: **An Anti-Freezing peptide?

**Naomi:** Yes.

**Snake:** Nice, and for a minute I thought it was poison.

**Colonel:** Let the mission begin!

_Snake makes his way to Alaska in a " Torpedo"_

**Snake:** (shaking from vibration) T-t-t-this-ss-s-s-s f-F-F-feeee-l-l-l-s G-o-o-o-o-o-d….

**Colonel:** When we get there you have to make it to the elevator…

**Snake:** This thing looks like those capsules for the new date rape drug….

**Colonel**: It does doesn't it?

**Naomi:** SICK BASTERDS!

**Colonel: **Okay Snake you will be after Vulcan Raven the powerful Shaman, The Sexy Tight ass

Sniper wolf, a bulimic man named psycho mantis, A man named Decoy Octopus,

A pistol twirling man named after a pussy, and the man with the same code name as

You…. Liquid Snake…

_Snake makes it to the Cargo Dock. A blond haired man, No Other then Liquid Snake awaits the elevator._

**Liquid:** Stay Alert He'll be through here… I know it…

**Gaurd1:** Don't worry he CAN get past me…

**Liquid:** Good Guard Number 1… Now Time for my bagel…

**Guard2:** What Bagel sir?  
**Liquid:** Guard Number 2 I do recall asking for a bagel…

**Guard2:** I thought Raven was going to give you one….

**Liquid**: (glares) Yes… The… uhm.. Big guy that I cant even…. I CAN'T EVEN TRUST

HIM TO ORDER A PAY PER VIEW AT A DECANT PRICE!

**Guards**: (shiver) WE will return to our duty sir!

_The Elevator arrives and Liquid gets on only for the elevator to get stuck halfway up._

**Liquid**: Solid Snake's in for it MWHAHAHAHAHA … AGH!I'm stuck ( whimpers)

**Gaurd1**: You okay boss?  
**Liquid**: Fine Guard 1… I'm just ( kicks elevator and gets it going)… Fine…

_Everything gets Normal again and Snake makes it to the elevator and heads to land_

**Snake:** ( stripping off his gear and singing The Wizards of Oz " follow the yellow brick rode")

**Naomi**: Maybe when you get back you can do a strip search on me….

**Snake**: Follow the Ye- Oh Uhm yeah Hold you to that one- Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow…

**Colonel**: I'd like you to meet your Saving Person… Mei Ling

**Mei**: WONG CHOW!

**Snake**: Follo- HOLY SHIT!

**Mei**: hahahaha That's Japanese for "Wong-chow"

**Snake:** ( gawking in fear) ….

**Mei:** Whats Wrong?

**Snake:** uhm… ( lies quickly) I didn't think you'd be so… Scar- I mean Cute…

**Mei:** OH MY GOD IM BEING HIT ON BY THE FAMOUS SOLID SNAKE!

**Snake**: Fan Girl?

**Colonel:** Yelp… Now Snake get yourself in there and rescue the darpa chief!

**Snake:** I can't exactly knock on the door…

**Colonel**: take a vent.

**Snake**: I stopped doing drugs a long time ago…

**Colonel:** No, I mean take the Shaft!

**Snake:** I stopped doing ALL Drugs, sorry Colonel…

**Colonel:** --()…. Take the… The… uhm " Square Silver hole in the wall"…

**Snake: **ENOUPH WITH THE STREET NAMES!

**Colonel**: Oo

_After 15 minutes of Arguing Snake takes the vent into the Tank Hanger._

**Snake:** A BOX!

**Colonel:** Good Snake, Now take the Elevator and then another Shaft…..

**Snake:** I DID NOT COME HERE TO GET PUT ON DRUGS!

_Once again they take 20 minutes of the mission explaining to Snake that Drugs Having nothing to do with it. Snake takes the shaft and see's a red headed woman doing sit-ups on his way there._

**Woman:** 20,004…. 20,005…20,006.. Skip another hundred…20,207….

**Snake:** ohhhh, work that ass-

**Miller:** (on codec) HEY- I'm sorry, I meant to contact you on the first Shaft you took!

**Snake:** Master?  
**Miller:** That's me.

**Snake: **… Did you know that a shaft is not one of the hundreds of street names for a drug?

**Miller:** Sure… Uhm-…

**Raven:** (in the background) BOSS I BURNT YOUR BEGAL!

**Miller:** WELL MAKE ME ANOTHER DAMMIT!

**Raven:** These oven mitts don't fit me!

**Miller:** Get on a diet!

**Raven:** I don't need a diet!

**Miller**: THEN STOP DRINKING MILK! NOW GET ME MY BEGAL!

**Snake:** (interrupting) who is that?

**Miller:** Oh.. That-uhm-that's… MY WIFE! -

**Snake:** O.o

**Miller:** Yes... That's right… My wife…

**Snake**: She sounds… Nice…

**Miller:** Snake return to your m-m-mission!

**Snake:** that sounded like porky pig…

**Miller:** ….

**Snake:** …

**Miller:** Back to the mission.

_Snake makes it to the darpa chief who starts talking for a few 10 minutes, until a guard knocks on the door._

**Guard:** HEY, Shut up in there will ya?

**Chief**: Sorry I was talking to myself…

**Guard:** again?

**Chief:** Uhm… Yeah sure.

**Guard:** (walking away) crazy ass mofo…

**Snake:** That was close…

**Chief:** Where was I? Oh yes… you need 3 card keys- AHHHHHHHHH (drops to his knees)

**Snake:** What's wrong!

**Chief:** (moaning) heart burn… damn chili…

**Snake:** uhm…

**Chief:** (belches) That's better.

**Snake:** err…

**Chief:** OH HELL-( dies of heart attack)

**Snake:** hmm… dead.

2-----

**Snake: **Colonel what the hell happened?

**Naomi: **It appears to be a heart attack…

**Snake: **What? How? WAIT! He had chili prior to this.

**Colonel:** Snake we don't know what happened!

**Snake:** (gasps)

**Colonel:** What Snake?

**Snake:** Clever…

**Colonel:** What is clever, Snake?

**Snake:** Chili's another word for heroin isn't it?

**Colonel:** No, Snake.

**Snake:** Don't lie to me, Roy

**Colonel:** There's nothing I'm not telling you!


	2. Enter Myrel and Ocelot

2-----

**Snake: **Colonel what the hell happened?

**Naomi: **It appears to be a heart attack…

**Snake: **What? How? WAIT! He had chili prior to this.

**Colonel:** Snake we don't know what happened!

**Snake:** (gasps)

**Colonel:** What Snake?

**Snake:** Clever…

**Colonel:** What is clever, Snake?

**Snake:** Chili's another word for heroin isn't it?

**Colonel:** No, Snake.

**Snake:** Don't lie to me, Roy

**Colonel:** There's nothing I'm not telling you!

4-

**Colonel:** I've been completely honest with you Snake!

**Snake:** …

**Colonel:** Snake?

**Snake:** There's a chick stripping a man right outside my cell…

**Colonel:** !

**Snake:** I think I'll… Hide in a box.

The Door opens

**Snake:** Or not.

_Snake walks out of the cell carefully. As he sneaks out slowly Myrel points the AK at him. _

**Myrel:** Freeze or I'll make Piggy Pie.

**Snake:** _starts rapping_ the first little Piggy his house is made of wood. He lives in a chicken, turkey, piggy Neighborhood. He likes to fck his sister and drink moonshine. A typical Redneck filthy fckin slime!

**Myrel:** … You're not liquid are you?

**Snake:** For you, sweet honey flower Bee, I can be.

**Myrel:** what?

**Guards:** !

**Myrel:** !

**Snake:**_ blasting away with his pistol_ Don't think shoot.

**Myrel:** …

**Snake:**_ still blasting away with his pistol_ I'm telling you Shoot!

**Myrel:** …

**Snake:** _blast blast_ shoot! You Stupid Rookie!

**Myrel:** _pulls out a stinger missile_

_Pulling the trigger, Myrel, sends a missile hurtling and blowing all the guards back. Their bodies hit the wall and then they're heard thudding to the floor._

**Snake:** … Anybody… could do that with a stinger missile.

**Myrel:** Bye._ takes off running to the elevator_

**Snake:** Wait! _chases her. He is then suddenly hypnotized (((_I'm in love…. With that Buddonkadonk)))…. _Realizes Myrel is shooting at him. He dodges each bullet and keeps running straight at her._ You can't hit me Rookie!

_Snake runs into the closing elevator door._

_**+-CLONK-+**_

**Snake:** AGH! falls to the floor_A ghostly figure appears. His breaths are in a raspy matter._

**Mantis:** Good Girl. Just Like That.

----------

**Liquid:** Fool! You Killed Him.

**Ocelot:** I'm sorry sir… He was testing my super swifty techniques.

**Liquid:** But you KILLED him.

**Ocelot:** He was pushing my Ultra Crumbling Ledge, sir.

**Liquid:** Your ledge?

**Ocelot:** Yes… It's Ultra Crumbly, Sir.

**Liquid:** Techniques?

**Ocelot:** Mind you they are super Swifty.

**Octopus:** I have a Splendid Idea, sir.

**Snake:** COLONEL!

**Colonel:** You had an Illusion Snake.

**Snake:** I'm Clean!

**Naomi:** It was probably Psycho Mantis.

**Snake:** Who slipped something in my drink?

**Naomi:** …..

**Colonel:** He's a phychic.

**Snake:** who tricked me into taking drugs?

**Mei Ling:** No, Silly, he gave you an illusion.

**Snake:** Shut up and save!

**Colonel:** Snake, You need to find Baker. Use the C4 to blast a hole in the wall.

_Snake finds c4 and calls Colonel._

**Snake:** I found the C4

**Colonel:** Good. Now-

**Snake:** One problem.

**Colonel:** Problem?

**Snake:** I don't know how to use it.

**Colonel:** You're joking?

**Snake:** No. Do I push this bu- _A loud bang is heard_ AH! Oh my God I blew my arm off! Holy Mary Blood is going everywhere!

**Colonel:** It's ok! Go into Survival Viewer.

**Snake:** I don't have a survival Viewer! Oh great powerful Pope I'm slipping in my Body fluids!

**Naomi:** Stay Calm, Snake. Try to stop the bleeding.

**Snake:** How do I do that?

**Naomi:** Wrap the arm-

_Loud banging is heard._

**Snake:** AH, Buddhists of the earth Unite! That hurt!

**Naomi:** What happened?

**Snake:** I rapt it against the wall like you said!

**Mie Ling:** To stop the bleeding you must hit X and crouch.

**Snake:** You hit X and Crouch!

**Colonel:** Snake we need you!

**Snake:** I'm… fading…

**Colonel:** Snake… SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

**Snake:** Ha-Ha. I was just pulling your dog tags.

**Colonel:** …

**Naomi:** …

**Mie Ling:** …

…

**Snake:** Ahem, Back to the Mission at hand.

**5---**

_Snake bombs his way into a room. Baker is tied in the middle with strands leading to c4._

**Snake: **reaches for the wire

**Baker:** Don't touch that, Hitler!

**Snake: **huh?

**Ocelot:** _comes around the corner_ that's ri-

**Snake:** _still talking to Baker_ I'm not Hitler

**Baker:** Liar! I know your game you Nazi!

**Ocelot:** Excuse m-

**Snake:** _puts his finger to the Wire_ Call me a Nazi again and I'll trip the wire.

**Baker:** Nazi!

**Snake: **This isn't a joke.

**Baker:** Nazi!

**Ocelot: **_waving his gun in the air_ Hello? Attention here.

**Snake:** I am a Nomad.

**Baker:** You're a Nazi if my eyes ever saw one!

**Snake:** I will kill you.

**Baker:** Like a Nazi!

**Snake:** Your mom's a Nazi!

**Baker:** Your Momma's such a Nazi she shot the next door neighbor because he owned a thrift store!

**Snake:** Your moms such a Nazi she drinks at starbucks!

**Baker:** Your Mom drinks at Starbucks!

**Snake:** Your mom eats at Taco Bell!

**Baker:** Your Mom owns taco bell and she has you apply the Sour cream in the tacos!

**Snake:** at least I could!

_Ocelot fires a round into the air. They both look at him._

**Ocelot:** That's enough! You're ruining my freaky fringed coolness.

**Snake:** _gives him an odd look_ what?

**Ocelot:** This is the best handgun ever made. I just wanna… make out with it… again.-

**Baker:** Your mom is the best handgun ever made.

**Ocelot:** Silence! I am Revolver Ocelot.

**Snake:** Ha-Ha. You're the man named after a pussy!

**Ocelot:** … hey… yeah… I wouldn't be talking, solid snake, Okay? Yeah.

**Snake:** So what is this?

**Ocelot:** A gunfight. Now draw!

**Snake:** _draws_

**Ocelot: **_draws_ you aren't' prepared for my agile A-plus agility!

_They go into a gunfight for five minutes. Then Ocelot reloads._

**Ocelot:** I love to reload! It challenges the careful keenness of my fingers. I just want to… lick this gun. To the trigger… and the… barrel…

**Snake:** _behind cover, thinking_ (((What?)))

**Ocelot:** You really are the son of the boss. Yet it doesn't matter who you are because I am the slickest, slyest, sneakiest, and sur-plus slender snake around!-

_Just then a blur is seen. The sound of blade and bone is heard. Ocelots arm falls to the ground with his gun still in his fingers._

**Ocelot:** OH MY GOD... IT'S GONE…IT'S GONE! MY GUN IS GONE!

**Snake: **looks at the blurring ninja flipping around in the air huh?

**Ocelot:** That exoskeleton…

**Baker:** Your mom has an exoskeleton.

**Ocelot:** ugh! takes a piece of cement from the blasted wall and throws it at the C4

_The c4 activates and blows up. Baker falls to the ground._

**Snake:**!

**Ocelot:** Finally! I'm so energetically Joyful!

**Baker: **Moans

**Ocelot:** No! Can't you even die right? _grabs his arm and runs out the room_

**Fox:** _appears_ …

**Snake:** Hey thanks for the help.

**Fox:** I need it, snake.

**Snake:** Need what?

**Fox:** … _disappears_

**Baker**: _moans_

**Snake:** runs to Baker you okay?

**Baker:** why would you care? Nazi.

**Snake:** I need to know what's going on.

**Baker:** The Germans are coming.

**Snake:** No one is coming.

**Baker:** Your mom is coming.

**Snake:** Listen! This is serious. The world is at risk.

**Baker:** _unsober sounding_ Listen here… little man. I've seen Big cans of bombing liquids by many moons.

**Snake:** Big cans?

**Baker:** Your mom-

**Snake:** Stop Playing around.

**Baker:** …ah…ah…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH _falls dead_

----------------------------------codec-----

**Snake:** another heart attack?

**Colonel:** You sound pretty calm… I'd thought you would be mad.

**Snake:** I didn't like this guy too well… but still what's going on?

**Colonel:** We don't know, snake.

**Snake:** This is serious Colonel. I want answers.

**Colonel:** We don't know.

**Snake:** Cut the crap.

**Colonel:** there is no crap.

**Snake:** I think there is. I'm not following anything else you say!

**Colonel:** call Myrel.

**Snake:** Yes sir.

------------------ end Codec-----

-----------------Start Codec--------

**Snake:** Uhm… I can't find her number.

**Colonel:** It's on the back of the cd case.

**Snake:** …

**Colonel:** …

**Snake: **… What?

**Colonel:** I don't know.

**Snake:** …

**Colonel:** I told you we don't know everything!

**Snake:** then where are you getting this stuff?

**Colonel:** New Idea. Try the 411.

**Snake:** Ugh…


End file.
